You think you know your dog. You feed them, walk them, clean up after their various bodily offences, and share your bed with their twitchy little paws. You know when they want a treat, when they’re pretending not to understand “sit,” and when they’ve rolled in something foul.
But beneath all that tail-wagging charm, there’s an unspoken code. A secret rulebook that every dog seems to follow—passed down, perhaps, in whispers between tail wags and fire hydrant meet-ups.
Here are ten of those rules. Prepare to feel seen.
1. If You Drop It, It’s Mine Now
This is the first and most sacred rule. If a piece of food, sock, tissue, or half-eaten sandwich even brushes the floor, it has officially changed ownership. Doesn’t matter if it was an accident. Doesn’t matter if you yell “NO!” with the urgency of a man defusing a bomb. It touched the ground. It belongs to the dog now. That’s the law.
2. The Door Must Always Be Closed… or Open… Depending on Mood
This rule is fluid. One moment, a closed door is an insult. The next, an open one is an affront to privacy. Your dog expects immediate, unquestioning compliance with all door-related preferences, even if those preferences change every 3.7 seconds. Bonus rule: if the bathroom door is closed, they must scratch at it like it’s the gates of Mordor.
3. If You Sit Down, I Sit On You
Lap? Mine. Legs? Mine. Laptop? Definitely mine. If you dare to sit down in your own home, your dog sees it as a cosmic invitation to claim you as their own. You are, after all, their favourite piece of furniture. This rule also applies to any moment you lie down, bend over, or crouch to tie your shoe.
4. Any Food You’re Eating Is Better Than Mine, Even If It’s Exactly the Same
Your dog could be eating the same brand of chicken that’s in your bowl. Doesn’t matter. If it’s on your plate, it becomes gourmet. Michelin-star quality. It smells better. It tastes better. And your dog will stare at you like they’ve never been fed in their life. You’re a monster.
5. Thunder Is Definitely the Apocalypse, Please Protect Me Immediately
You may think it’s “just a storm,” but your dog knows better. The loud booming sounds and flashing lights can only mean one thing: the world is ending. Your job, according to the code, is to hold them, comfort them, and preferably build a small pillow fortress in which you both can survive the chaos.
6. Walks Are Not Optional. Nor Are Sniffs
When your dog wants to walk, you walk. End of story. And it’s not just about exercise—every tree, lamppost, and tuft of grass contains urgent information. You might think they’re sniffing aimlessly, but they’re basically reading the neighbourhood news, checking social updates, and maybe sending a few messages of their own. Do not rush this process.
7. If I Can See the Bottom of the Bowl, I Am Clearly Starving
Even if there’s still food around the edges. Even if they just ate five minutes ago. If the shiny bottom of the bowl is visible, it triggers the “hollow dog” response. They’ll stare at you like Dickensian orphans, sigh dramatically, and possibly paw at the empty space to hammer the point home: refill required. Now.
8. Sleep Must Occur on the Softest Object in the House
This could be your bed, your freshly washed pile of laundry, or the one cushion that still has its shape. If it’s soft, warm, and slightly inconvenient for you, that’s where your dog will nap. And if they get kicked off? Expect the full guilt-trip stare, followed by dramatic floor flopping and world-weary sighs.
9. All Visitors Must Be Greeted Like Rock Stars, Even If They Just Left and Came Back In
Your mate popped outside to grab their phone? Your dog acts like they’ve been lost at sea for 12 years. Every re-entry is an emotional reunion, a full red-carpet welcome with tail wags, spins, and excited sneezes. Because to your dog, every return is worth celebrating. It’s a beautiful (if slightly exhausting) part of the code.
10. You Are Mine. Always. Forever. No Returns
Possibly the most important rule of all. Your dog doesn’t just like you—they’ve claimed you, bonded with you, and mentally stamped a big paw print on your heart. Whether you’re crying on the sofa, dancing like an idiot in the kitchen, or just watching TV while eating crisps, they are beside you. Literally, emotionally, spiritually. You are their person, and nothing—not thunder, not vet visits, not even the betrayal of a bath—will change that.
Bonus Rule: All Rules Are Flexible If There Are Treats Involved
Just in case you thought any of these rules were set in stone… they’re not. Every rule is negotiable if you happen to have a biscuit in your hand. The code is sacred, sure—but it’s not stronger than a bit of chicken.
Final Tail Wag
Your dog might not have a secret diary (that you know of), but they absolutely live by a set of mysterious rules that govern their adorable, sometimes ridiculous behaviour. And sure, some of those rules make no sense. Some are wildly inconsistent. Some are incredibly inconvenient. But every single one of them is wrapped in unconditional love, unwavering loyalty, and a sense of humour that makes life with a dog infinitely better.
So next time your dog insists on inspecting the same tree for ten solid minutes, or gives you the “I’m dying” look because their bowl isn’t full to the brim, just remember: they’re following the rules. You might not understand them, but they do. And to your dog, that’s all that matters.
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Amanda O’Brien is the owner of The Dog Snobs website. She is dog mad and dog aunt to Clover in London and Poppy in Sydney. She can’t wait to have a schedule that allows her to have a dog of her own (for now it is two Siberian cats) and loves learning about dog breeds and dog behavior.
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